My most famous post-Smoke coming from your vagina

Well, hello everyone.......my most famous post was called, "My vagina is on Fire".  And for years it has bothered me , the keywords that are used to find my blog: so here they are in no particular order:

Smoke coming out of my vagina
Smoke coming from my vagina
Why is my vagina on fire
"smoke" coming from my vagina

and thankfully some normal keywords:

broke elbow
dilaudid

Let me tell you, first hand...any smoke coming from the vagina is NOT normal and you should contact your Dr. not a Nurse, or better yet the Fire Department!!

Second a broken elbow, should always require Dilaudid-that is normal

Too funny!!

This post is from: Dr. Grumpy, with whom I love dearly!!  Enjoy!!

I've got a junkie over in the ICU, who overdosed on a bunch of stuff yesterday. She was on a ventilator (a breathing machine) this morning, but they were going to see if she improved enough today to get her off it.

So I called over there a minute ago to talk to her nurse:

Dr. Grumpy: "How'd she do this morning?"

Nurse Icu: "She's more awake, and we got her off the ventilator, but may have to put her back on again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why? Is she still having trouble breathing?"

Nurse Icu: "No, she's just a bitch."

Swimming Any One?

Yeah, yeah, I know sorry for the lack of posts lately.....I want to say welcome to my new followers, please be sure to comment every now and then!

So how was your day at work?

Thanks for asking, it sucked BALLS.....

Crazy-assed patient comes in with an inflatable pool to give birth in......and she thought I was going to help blow it up too!!

Crazy, crazy, crazy....never a boring day at work!

A day I Really miss my Dad and I can't believe what he told my daughter

Today being the New Year and I felt a little down today...... I miss my Dad so much!  I thought someone once said, "time heals all wounds", well it doesn't and that person is an a--hole just for saying that!  But anyway today I miss my Dad a lot, he was a very funny guy

Now, as many of you know, my daughter has been labeled as, "somewhere on the autism spectrum,"  I'd like to shoot that person too, because where exactly on the spectrum she is, I'd like to freaking know!!!!....

My daughter takes things too literally...but enough about that, onto the funny crap--- my dad told her once.

Many years ago, my Dad unfortunately had a toe amputated, about the 3rd one in, don't ask why because I have know idea, I'm getting old and in all honestly it really doesn't matter...

But anywho, we went to the hospital to visit him, And in complete utter seriousness, he looked at her dead in the eyes, not even cracking a smile and told her the "Tooth Fairy did!"

Today, at the dinner table, she kindly told us "you know, once Grandpop had a loose tooth and a loose toe, and the Tooth Fairy took his toe instead! I personally had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.

Now tonight she is asleep with 2 pairs of socks on, thick winter boots, scared out of his mind, worrying that if her tooth does fall out or not--- The Tooth Fairy is coming for her toes instead

It is days like this I miss him dearly.......

I miss you Dad.......

Happy New Year!! The New York Rangers Can Suck It!!!!!

Happy New Year!

Tonight, I am working with Dr. A--hole, you know, the kind of person I'm talking about.  I'd rather be standing on the corner of 34th and Spruce Streets---- giving out free blow-jobs than to be working with this prick.

He's the same goof ball, who's license plate says' "GoldFinger!"  I think that is enough said!

Happy New Years anyway.....I have to finish this lovely shift without getting fired for saying something like,"Don't be such a _____Fill in the Blank Yourself", so I can get a few hours sleep before the Winter Classic tomorrow!!

Thank you to the NHL for backing-up the game by 2 hours, so I can read the inside of my eyeballs a few extra minutes, and to all The Rangers Fans, SUCK IT!  Let's GO FLYERS!!!!!

Don't accept candy from a stranger

This is the number 1 reason not to accept candy from a stranger!

Murphy's Law of Nursing

Here are just a few of my Murphy's Law of Nursing

1.  Never bring anything to work that you need to get done!
Over the years I always see many nurses coming to work with an extra bag of things, like crafts, bills to write out, children's projects, addressing Christmas cards etc....
I have learned on the nights that I would bring in things like that to finish up....it would be a horrible night!  Whether I worked in in ICU or labor and deliver my bag would sit there....NOTHING ever gets done, so honestly do not bother!!

2.  Dr.'s are horrible at saying, "I was wrong,  you were right", no explanation needed there!!


That is it for now....Oh I forgot, if you like the Foo Fighters like myself, they are going to be playing at the Bamboozle Festival in May in New Jersey with Bon Jovi and Blink 182:-)

Dave Grohl vs. the Philadelphia Flyers

Dave Grohl vs. the Philadelphia Flyers

I have partial season tickets to the Philadelphia Flyers this year.  I absolutely love it.  

So far this season, I have managed to take 4 out of 5 ppl to the games. I'm going to take my mother to a game on her birthday, it will be her first hockey game and even cooler is that the Flyers are playing the Boston Bruins:)

Now, as most of you know, I'm a HUGE, Foo Fighters fan.  I have been teasing the children the next time, the Foo Fighters tour the area I would take them to a concert, however I lied-because the tickets were too expensive, way too expensive!!  

My little one #4 since she could talk could sing any of the Foo's songs, she is absolutely the cutest thing and talks about Dave all the time and she is only 5.

Last night while I was at the Flyers game, my Otherhalf put her on the phone and she told me she doesn't want to go to a Flyers game, she wants to see Dave and the Foo's----how sweet!!!!  

  VS.

Mice, A Cat and a Python, Oh My!!!

So, the Otherhalf calls me from work, and I love him, but some days I really wonder about the fellows he works with!!

Now, in case you do not know the Otherhalf is a Firefighter in this great City of Brotherly Love.

He called me this evening and is a little freaked out because they have or had a pretty bad infestation problem with mice at their fire house for YEARS.

They had tried everything from exterminators, to buying a cat or two, who by the way are missing, I'm not sure why but they are and they have been missing for some time.

Now one of the firefighters had a great idea a day or two ago.  This crazy nut purchased a 3 foot python to handle the problem....they put the python into the hole that they are positive that the mice come out from in the kitchen, the only problem now is the python has been missing for over 24 hours, good news is that no one has spotted a single mouse, hence the reason none of them can now sleep.

My response is seriously you can not make this stuff up!

Not much new here.... I'm apologizing in advance

Hello All,
Nothing new to report here, well there are a few things but until I take #1 to the Dr.'s tomorrow I will not know the how bad his injury is....so for right now I'm leaving it at that!!

All I really want to report is, " Sometimes you are the windshield, and sometimes you are the bug......today I am the bug"..........

Chris Progner time to grow up!!

As many of you know already I am a HUGE hockey fan!!  And I love the Flyers and I like a few other hockey teams too, but for right now I feel my need express my concerns about what happened to Chris Progner.

Let me begin by saying, I am sure as heck that they are probably a pain in the ass, especially to an older(no disrespect) NHL hockey players, who for the life of their career have not worn them.

I am an RN who started out prior the Universal Precautions; you know before we wore gloves for everything.  I placed a million IV's without wearing gloves, changed shitty sheets, emptied foley catheters etc...you get the idea, but as time passed and healthcare made it mandatory....I had to learn to place IV's with gloves on, I did not like it but I did it and now I can not imagine for my life doing it any other way.  It is a learned process. 

I am happy that we were forced to wear gloves, masks, gowns when needed. I definitely think it is time for the NHL to step up and protect their players and as for Chris Progner, I am sure as hell certain that you want to see your children grow up, it is time to grow up put on a visor not only for yourself but for your children's sake too.

Chris, I wish you the best of luck and am looking forward to seeing you back on the ice in the next few weeks with a visor on.  Lets Go Flyers!!!!

Thank You Dilaudid!!

Hello Everyone!
Yes, I am so happy and SUPER pain free right now! Thank you to whomever invented Dilaudid:-) I am feeling much better compared to having the same surgery performed less than 8 months ago. The pain is a lot less or the pain meds this time are way better-lol....

Thank you to Jenny-The Bloggess for keeping my spirits up and keeping me in stitches(literally).

I included a picture, sorry it's a little yucky..... I desperately needed to re-wrap my Ace-Bandage that was falling off today, and I tried to take the best picture I could with one hand.....my elbow looks worse than it feels, I'm still very swollen & bruised, and I estimated the sutures to be about 8 inches in length.

I will keep everyone updated, take care!
Purple Stinky Onion (PSO)

Time to put on my Big girl panties!!

Yes, that is right, it's time for me put on my Big Girl panties!

My arm & elbow are bleeping throbbing but no one in the this unit seems to care about that or me. It's been to important to talk about me in the hallway and how my *pain* is!!!
Just let me explain,......it's the third time I've been through this in the past 15 months and today I'm pretty f-ing angry about how I'm being poo-poo'ed away........

So, remember this.... bitchy nursing staff............ I am a nurse too, I try to never put down another nurse, but I was a manager at one time and I plan on taking names and take you girls & guys down during the survey I was given upon my arrival this morning BEFORE my surgery.

Yeah the Big Girl panties are on.....but your names are being placed on my list!

Let the countdown begin!

On Monday, I am getting my elbow reconstructed AGAIN, why not right?  Because breaking it on my own, did not hurt bad enough the first time and then having reconstructed in January did not hurt enough either....so, here we go again....Let the count down begin!!!!

I am really looking forward to some serious laughter provided by The Bloggess, Jenny over the next few months, after all laughter is the best medicine, but a little dilaudid does not hurt either:-)

Take Care everyone and I will try to keep you informed...I included a picture of my last surgery without the brace on my arm, just to show you what my arm will be looking like for months.

I am going to win an Oscar !

I was assisting in a delivery a few hours ago, and I did the whole Happy Birthday singing, during some resuscitation etc....told the parents how handsome their new baby boy was but, let me tell you, he was truly a FLK(funny looking kid) at first I was a little concerned, because Mom & Dad looked pretty normal, but then the Dad's brother showed up along with the Paternal Grandparents and all my concerns disappeared:-)

Did you really just ask that???

As many of you know, I had my left elbow completely reconstructed in January. It was pretty uncomfortable, to say the least! I had 4 c/sections-two were classical c/sections(I was cut up and down inside and out) and two nice little bikini cut c/sections. All 4 combined after surgery did not top the pain that one little surgery on my arm caused. I could sum it up on a scale of 1 to 10 as 100, yes, I know I sound like one of those crazy drug seeking patients, but really it was 100.

Maybe, it was due to the fact, I had my arm dislocated again, because in all seriousness it didn't hurt enough the first time, then they reset by bones, because even though they healed nicely the first time, they healed 1.5 inches away from each other, I got new ligaments from a cadaver because it turns out I had NO ligaments holding my arm in place. My favorite part of the surgery was all sorts of holes being drilled into my bones to suture the new ligament/tendons in place.....and I hate general anesthesia so I asked to be happily confused during the surgery until after they dislocated my arm I definitely remember screaming something like M-fer.....

A quick little public service announce- Never, Never Fall on Outstretched hands!!

Which finally brings me to: What did my kids say today? I have another follow up appointment in the am with Ortho.

1. Mom is that Dr. who always tries to pull out your arm of it's socket going try it again tomorrow?

2. Does the doctor actually know the dead guy who's ligaments/tendons you have?

3. Doesn't your new arm gave like a 5 year warranty?

I.love.my.kids!!!

I Love My Patients

My patients are cracking me up tonight again!

This is the second time in the past 6 months, while my patient was in labor and trying to push a 10 pound, 11 ounce baby out of her vagina-she grabbed my arm so hard and said, she was going to kill her husband::giggle::
It definitely did not help he was SCREAMING, "And Push, One, Two, Three", etc....

Public Service Announcement #321 again, she is not deaf, and neither was any other person in the room!

If I was him, I would sleep with one eye open because after she is sown back together again and gets up to walk around in the next few hours, she will probably give New Dad some pillow therapy!!

Out of the mouths of Babes!

Out of the mouths of Babes!


Me-"How was school today?"


Kindergartener-"Good"


Me-"How was your teachers today?  She is great, isn't she?"


Kindergartener-"Yeah, she is really, nice, I like her!"


Me-"Wow, that is so nice!"


Kindergartener-"Mom, can we get her a Christmas present?"


Me-"Sure, what do you think she would want or needs?"


Kindergartener-"Something for her eyebrows, it looks like she has caterpillars on her face"


Me-"::giggle:: what do you mean?


Kindergartener-"Something to remove them"

I Can Ice Skate, Biotch! Watch Out........

Hello Everyone, sorry for not posting the last few days or so...........

This is what's new with me,  Thank Goodness-The Bloggess, Jenny is back up and running, she has returned from vacation with some really funny post, you can link to her website via the sidebar {- that way, enjoy!
I'm really happy she is back, The Otherhalf is not, he wasn't too impressed with the Banana's I have imprinted with bad sayings and left out for him to find the next morning:-)

On another note, I was Happy to see that The Flyers are having try-outs for their, "Flyers Ice Team"!  So happy I reviewed all the information-----carefully:-)  Then I decided to, look up some of the requirements:  perfect I'm off,  I can perform all of the requirements, specifically the age, I'm over 18 and better yet no age limitations.
Then, I carefully looked up what do The Flyers Ice Team girls/boys look like?

Well, let me first tell you I have partial season tickets, and I have never seen a male, so what do these girls look like?  Shit, they are young, good-looking girls, wearing small outfits!

I'm a good looking woman, under 35- read my blog- I've been 33 for a few years, but I keep myself in shape, seriously who has time to eat running around after 4 kids and get them to their multiple sporting events, like ice skating lessons, playing for multiple soccer teams all over the city!
I ice skate has much as I can and exercise to the best of my ability..............

I decided to then call, the number provided for more information:  definitely no age limits, just need to pass the obstacle course, so I decided to mess around with the person who took my call.

I proceed to tell the woman that I told my Grandmother all about the Flyers Ice Team try-outs and she wants me to bring her to New Jersey, and that she has Ice Skated her entire life and plans on trying out, I want to make sure that if I'm driving her 60 miles round trip that her age will not be counted against her.
I was completely reassured, my Grandmothers age is not a factor and if she can do all of the ice skating requirements and obstacle course she will be picked, also her interview counts, which I told the woman, my Grandmother was sweet and charming, sweet as pie-she will definitely make it, and I will make sure that her dermatologist does not do any skin cancer scrapings prior to the tryout, she does have amazing skin for being 88.  I want to make sure her pictures will look great that day.

The woman was more than happy to get me off the phone at that point and she did seem completely confused and was like WTH by the end of our conversation:)

My job was then complete, I need an old lady outfit, complete with rubber mask and hair to pull this off, just to prove the point they would never pick an old lady:)

Funniest thing I read in a few days-The Bloggess

Sorry but this has to be hands down the funniest thing I read in awhile!

http://thebloggess.com/2011/08/listen-to-the-bananas