The most painful month of the year

I recently lost my Grandmother who raised me, along with my Father. Now, both have passed and I feel more alone and depressed as ever:( Just as I am able to get a grip on my fathers passing. I lose my grandmother. Both of their birthdays are in July and with in a week of each other. It's been a terrible two weeks. I feel like letting go everyday and no one understands me and what I am going through!?!? PSO

Pretty Shitty Post

As I promise at least one post per week.

I know this isn't the type of post everyone was hoping for however it is that day of the year when my mind and body turn to mush.

I would of hoped by now being that it has been 2 years that the death of my father would become easier to handle his birthday. But it has not?!

And for some reason I can not understand why?  I think about him every single day, probably in fear that I will forget him, forget what he looked like......I'm not sure?

Whoever said "time heals all wounds" was not correct or if they are could send me an email as to when this sadness will pass I would be appreciative because Im waiting!

As I said last year, Nothing today is going to make me feel better.......I would appreciate this day to have to myself so that I can cherish the memories I have left by myself uninterrupted.

A day I Really miss my Dad and I can't believe what he told my daughter

Today being the New Year and I felt a little down today...... I miss my Dad so much!  I thought someone once said, "time heals all wounds", well it doesn't and that person is an a--hole just for saying that!  But anyway today I miss my Dad a lot, he was a very funny guy

Now, as many of you know, my daughter has been labeled as, "somewhere on the autism spectrum,"  I'd like to shoot that person too, because where exactly on the spectrum she is, I'd like to freaking know!!!!....

My daughter takes things too literally...but enough about that, onto the funny crap--- my dad told her once.

Many years ago, my Dad unfortunately had a toe amputated, about the 3rd one in, don't ask why because I have know idea, I'm getting old and in all honestly it really doesn't matter...

But anywho, we went to the hospital to visit him, And in complete utter seriousness, he looked at her dead in the eyes, not even cracking a smile and told her the "Tooth Fairy did!"

Today, at the dinner table, she kindly told us "you know, once Grandpop had a loose tooth and a loose toe, and the Tooth Fairy took his toe instead! I personally had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.

Now tonight she is asleep with 2 pairs of socks on, thick winter boots, scared out of his mind, worrying that if her tooth does fall out or not--- The Tooth Fairy is coming for her toes instead

It is days like this I miss him dearly.......

I miss you Dad.......

NOTHING IS GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

Nothing is going to make me feel better....so please do not even try.......My Father died a year ago and today would of been his birthday.....

Nothing will make me feel better....not front row seats to every Flyers Home Game and NOT even meeting The Foo Fighters.....so, leave me alone a let me have my day a peace, quite and misery!!!

Your Friend
PurpleStinkyOnion(PSO)

Goodbye

How to say Goodbye......

There is no easy way, Mothers are always more upset, mostly being because they knew their baby longer, the little kicks, movements and the funny hiccups.....I really dislike my job on days like today, with every infant my parents have lost---I feel as if a piece of myself goes with them.

Helpless and hopeless, I have no explanations for them and no words to comfort them come to my mind, just a wide-eyed nurse with the look of being caught in headlights.

If my job does not suck enough, try to imagine telling them it is time to let go........

letting go

When I worked the other night- it was very busy. I took the mother of one of our newborns down to see her little one in the NICU and noticed, my favorite patients infant was not in it's room. I was very nervous, I had grown very close to mom/dad and have felt their pain over the past few months.

It came to my attention during the previous week the our dr.'s had finally given the parents a dx. that was VERY bad to say the least. And both Mom and Dad had agreed that this past Saturday night to discontinue care,. They would finally be able to hold their beautiful baby without the tubes and medications.

I was able to spend some time with them and their little one, and as sad and heartbreaking as it was, their baby was just as beauitful as the night I was able to help deliver her/him into this world. I hope to be as strong as they have been in the future and will conitnue to think about their family always.

Purple

What were my last few days of work like?

So, What were my last few days of work like...?

Exhausting to say the least!

Day, one started with a ...a...aaaa " slow", yikes...night...gosh, I do not like to say that word---EVER!

Day Two, ....yup, ..you said it "busy!" See, I opened my Big Mouth!

I met this lovely, lovely family from down South. The family was told some very interesting news, totally wrong, but very interesting and god knows, they were told, there was, "Hope."

So, there they were in the waiting room prior to me going home, did you ever get that feeling that when you come back into work that night it would be crappy????!

So, there I was coming into work, the Unit filled with tears..etc, etc.....

The Family was scheduled for a C/Section in the am, one baby VERY, VERY sick the other, Not Compatible with Life.

I stayed for the section, I thought it would be an opportunity........why not, I probably will not see anything like it again, or now at least I hope I never will. It was the wrong thing to do because now it has been a few days, and my heart aches for that family and for that little baby.

Oh yeah, don't let me forget the mother had a positive UDS, for more drugs than we could account for...Ggrrrhhhh!!!! I'm sure it had nothing to do with what happened to that little one, but it pisses me off to know end that maybe she will take home the other one, if everything goes well. I hate to think that baby does not stand a chance after everything it will go through!

The next day,..next family...different circumstances, same outcome, only one baby...S*&^!

The next family--Great News, totally expecting something Horrid, and Everything is Well, ..."Normal?"

Is there, "HOPE?" Who Knows?????

Thank you for making me VOMIT!

Oohh Lord, I was sick Tuesday---to say the least!

About 5 days before one of our Dr.'s was deathly ill(severe vomiting), which I would bet was viral now----- I started an IV(3 liters) and gave some Zofran, we put her to bed in one of the patients rooms and we found coverage for her for the rest of the night etc....... partly for pity reasons partly because her husband is some BIG plastic surgery guy at a Huge hospital near by( here is to hoping she will put a good word in for me to her husband!!)

A few months back my kids and Other Half were watching a re-run of Jon and Kate, you know the one where she showed off her stomach to the world and some wife of a plastic surgeon saw the show and asked him to do the surgery for free. My kids thought that was funny and said, "Geez Mom your stomach looks worse than that)! And to think I only had 4 kids and 4 C-sections 2 classical and 2 low transverse incisions! I have now accepted reality. no matter how much weight I have lost ---that jelly roll will never go away! No matter how much I exercise or abdominal exerices I do, it will not leave without the intervention of surgery!

Hence the nice thought above... so there I was about 5 days after the doctors severe vomitng, then I started------I thought I was going to die ---literally in and out of consciousness, with my head stuck in a toilet!

Isn't that a lovely picture.